It All Ends Here

The death of Sile helped make my decision easier to leave the city that I had made my home away from home. I had been saving and planning to move back near home. I was finally being a woman of action.

***
I must say I was dealt a hell of a hand in life. But as I lay on my old beat up mattress in our small and cluttered new apartment watching my beautiful child sleep, thinking back over it all, I wouldn't change anything at all. Everything I am, everything I am not, everything I've done, mistakes and accomplishments, it all makes me who I am.

Although the new apartments were not the fancy subs I dare to continue to daydream of, I knew that oneday I'd be exactly where God meant for me to be. My faith and trust in Him as reassurance, that all would fall into place in due time. Patience and the ability to stand again whenever I shall fall or fall short.

Despite not yet finding a job, I had a couple of interviews lined up. I had even reached out to a local community college and was looking into social work. My purpose in life had become clear to me through my journey, through my downfalls. I lived to love Heaven, I lived be the very best I could because she deserved that much, I lived to share my story, to inspire and uplift those around me and to help bring people back on their ow  two feet.

It had only been a week and I was feeling good about the move. Heaven was the happiest I had ever seen her and at peace with all. Finally, I began to feel happy, a feeling I thought I'd never feel again. Happy like when I used to lay underneath my grandmother as she sung to me and stroked my hair. To be truely happy as a beautiful feeling. To be truely happy with yourself, your life, and all the greatness that awaits you ahead. I don't think to many people can say that.

We all experience periods of rain, but just as sure as night shall come the sun will rise once more. Live for a better tommorow, because it's sure to come. Sometimes we fall, but just don't fall off. When you come from the bottom, you can not go anywhere but up. And on my grandmother, Isabella Marie, and Heaven, I promise this isn't the last you have heard of Mahogany Rose !

The Murder

The city no longer gave me a sense of comfort like it once did. It had only served as my place of refuge while I ran and hid from the haunting of my past. I had now come into a place of peace and set the demons and spirits of my past free, no longer to terrorize my life.

As I sat alone, reflecting on my trip back home, an overwhelming feeling came about my body. The city helped to become an independent woman; I now had the tools to make it, no, thrive in this world around me. Realizing my growth and progression, I begin to long to return back home. Once afraid to walk those sacred grounds where I was abandoned and forever changed, now I missed the open space of down south. I wished to return home.

In attempts to brush off the emptiness that begin to spread through me, I decided to head off to retrieve Heaven from afterschool care early. As I stepped into the hallway, closing and locking the door behind me, I noticed the strange man who lived some floors down creeping behind the lady I had known to stay above me.

Never being one to meddle, I thought it to be rather strange how he followed behind her, secretively. She seemed to be a bit out of, but no one was completely sane around this city.  It all was very suspicious to me. Maybe they had some kind of weird ass affair going on. Who am I to poke my nose in another man’s love life? Hell, at least somebody was getting some love around here.

Trying to shake it, I could not rid the unsettling feeling. They didn’t have to sneak around, as far as I knew neither of them was involved with anyone else. So, why in the hell was this grown man sneaking behind this defenseless little lady who was obviously not in her sane mind as she stumbled about. Concluding he was up to something, despite the little sense I had, rather then minding my own business or simply calling in to the police station and reporting the strange activity, my feet began to tip toe behind the party of two. My suspicion and gut feeling would not allow me to ignore.

Creeping along carefully, I was lead up another flight of steps before I watched as the woman fumbled to find her keys, unlock her door, and disappear behind it. However, within seconds the man, the man who I thought to be a sad little man who lead an average life, transformed into a mad man as he tore the door down letting himself in.  Before my eyes this transformation took place, sending my body into shivers and sweats. Before thinking, again my feet lead me further down near the door, and peaking inside made my eyes grow wide in horror.

My mouth dry, I could not force air down my throat, I stood in silence basking in the sight of this tragedy. Blood seeped from the little woman’s body, spreading and soaking into her carpets.  The man had disappeared, and in his place remained a killer beast, heaving in breaths of airs. I could make out no sound, as the screams that would not come through my mouth, were loud inside of my head.

Becoming nauseous, I held onto the walls, regaining myself before turning to run back down the stairs to escape the insanity. I would go pick up Heaven and we’d have waffles before I was sure someone would call for help. She was dead for sure; nothing I could do would save her. I refused to put my child in danger. Because although I was unsure of the motive behind it and unsure as to why the little woman seemed to be at peace at the hand of her murderer; I knew for sure that that was it, Heaven and I was getting the hell out of this city.

Home

I had come a long way. The person in which I saw myself becoming amazed me. A better mother, a dedicated employee, and an all around more...willing individual, I guess, Willing to try and do new things,meet new people,seeing through a different light, and opening my eyes to all the world had to offer me.

I had been doing well at Casa de Waffles. Of course I wasn't making as much, however I liked the feeling of coming home from a day of honest, hard day of acceptable work. Finally I could share the days event with Heaven, including details that were suitable for a seven year old, having more time for her now at night. I felt at peace with this new job. Of course, I didn't want to be at Casa de Waffles for the rest of my life, but it was the start of my better life. And I knew my grammy was pleased with not only that, but with my new outlook, my new attitude. And for that, I planned a visit back home to the open fields, fresh air, and clear skies of South Carolina where I was raised.

Life is short and you never know when your entire world will come crashing ndown or changing right before your eyes. Just the other day I was reading in the papers an article about the lady who lived above the Forever 21 that burned down. That store was her entire life, and just like that, with a strike of a match, or however the hell it happened, her entire world was burned to ashes. Petra, Petra Jagondiska ! That was her name.

I had read the article aloud to Heaven, my sweet girl. I did the best I could as far as teaching her about the ways of life, making lessons of everything. She had been so concerned about the woman and interested in the story, we killed two birds with one stone, because not only was I able to preach a valuable lesson, together we worked on her handwriting and letter writing skills. Together we wrote a letter to the local newspapers in hopes that they would contact the lady who had lost it all. Wishing her luck, giving praise to God, and offering support or help if needed , even a complimentary meal from Casa de Waffles. Writing the letter reminded me of Isabella Marie and back home.

I hadn't been to visit my grandmother's grave since Heaven could articulate a full sentence. I wanted to be closer to her, to feel her and to thank her. Taking it a step further, I even wished to visit the small brick house in which I had been raised in. Wondering if someone had bought it, if the sharpie stained walls marking my growth over the years remained, or if the house even still stood, all helped me to arrange a flight out withen the next three weeks. Heaven was on break and I could arrange everything for a much needed vacation back home.


***

The hotel was not far from the old house I once stayed in long ago, therefore I decided to take a bus trip to the old neighborhood a day after our arrival. Heaven was so thrilled to be in a new place, everything from the plane flight to the dingy but "live-able" hotel excited her.

The day had finally came. I was back home. And soon enough I would be gazing at the beautiful, old brick house that I once called home. The bus ride seemed to last forever, when in reality ot only had taken no longer then 45 minutes. My hopes had been set so high, that I had not expected the little home to be what it really was when I stepped off of the bus peering at the house that was close to ruins. I almost felt embarrased as I had bragged so much to Heaven the night before about the beautiful little palace I had growm up in.

Vines had crept up along the sides of the brick house, weeds and daffodil's grew wild about the front lawn, spider webs decortaed the windows, and what had once been a place of beauty and love had become a vacant disaster. As I stood disappointed and embarrased, realizing this is what I had traveled all the way back to, I had almost forgotten about Heaven until she broke the silence with a sharp gasp.

"Mommyyyyy ! Is that a swing, oh can I go please ? " I looked down in shock, remebering her presence, and in disbelief. It was almost as if though she hadn't noticed the pitiful house that stood before us. Wide eyed in amazement she pleaded to go swing from the old tire swing hanging from the big shady tree near the side of the house, in which I had spent many summer days swinging about.

"Uhh. . .Oh Heaven be careful baby." Before I could change my mind, realizing I should have checked to make sure the rope and branches were still sturdy, she had taken off and was already going back in forth. She was so beautiful. I had thought I noticed a slender figure standing behind her as she flew through the air, laughing and enjoying what I had once enjoyed, but as she dashed back down from high above the figure had disappeared. I felt a loving presence come over me and I knew she had been there with us.

Unnoticed tears fell from my face. I was being so critical of the unattended home that I had not noticed the beautiful sun and bright blue skies that had made it beautiful scenery anyways. Birds flew across the sky, butterflies about the yard, and it was a gentle breeze. Before leaving to join my baby, I was tempted to look inside of the rusty while mailbox that was leaning slightly to the side, now missing the flag and a few numbers from the address.

Opening up the mailbox, to my surprise inside laid one single letter with no return address. On top lay a small stone. Pushing the stone away, removing the letter, and releiving the envelope I nearly fainted as I read the message, that was written to me :

Im sorry. I hope after all of these years you have found it in your heart to forgive me. I wish I would have gotten a chance to tell you face to face. . . By now, I should have rejoined my mother in the Heaven's. I have asked that my ashes be sprinkled upon her sight, please come see us. --He never loved me, and you always did.

It was Isabella Marie. And although I had forgiven her, the letter had done something to me. Everything I had wished for as a little girl was fulfilled in that instant. Folding the small sheet of paper, I tucked it away into my pocket, running through what I had first seen as weeds and daffodils , through a field of ambrosia and apple blossoms ( = reciprocated love and good fortune) to the continuation of a legacy of beautiful women.

***

On the last day of our three day visit, Heaven and I visited the gravesight where in which bot my mother and grandmother now rested. We spread a blanket out and had a picnic. We filled the flower stand full of roses, and even some of the ambrosia and apple blossoms. We filled the grave yard with shared stories, laughter, and love, building new memories as a completed family. Before leaving, we watched a flock of birds fly out into the distance as the sun set. I walked Heaven to the pond that was near the end of the grave yard and we hopped in, splashing and laughing. My new attitude and new outlook had rebirthed an entore new me.

Gathering our belongings near grammy and Isabella Marie, we headed back to the end of the church to wait for the cab. Tommorow we'd head back to the city. However, we were going further away from what I would always know as home.

The Opportunity To Fly

Heaven had been having bad dreams and came to sleep beside me. Curled underneath me, I watched her shift to get comfortable for another hour of sleep before I would whisk her off to school. Truth be told, I loved when she slept beside me. She was my completion.

I had not closed my blinds to the windows of my bedroom, which really bothered me. However, Heaven had finally found comfort beneath me and had drifted into a peaceful sleep, refusing to disturb my angel I let it ride. I peered out my window at the boring city in which I had resided in for sometime now, escaping my past. Few cars, buses and people busied the streets at the wee hours of 6:30, however within the next 30 minutes the streets would come to life.

The sun had not yet completely risen. In fact, it appeared to be a bit gloomy, sort of eerie as the clouds draped over the city, unpleasantly decorating the skies. Despite the gloom, I had a good feeling about today. After dropping Heaven off at school, I would be heading to Casa de Waffles to began a new start. I had got the job !

I probably wouldn't be making as much as I had at Isabella's, but that was okay. I was determined to set a positive example for my daughter. I had even enrolled in some online college courses. Finally, things were begining to look up for me. Besides having Heaven as a constant motivation and my grandmother's appearnces in my dreams, I had yet another epiphany while at the clinic.

Heaven wanted to go out for the school's soccer team, therefore we had taken a visit to the free local clinic to get her physical just a week ago. While there I had requested to see someone other then Rosa, the foreign  nurse who never quite seemed  to be all there, being that I somehow always ended up with her. Understanding of why, I was helped by another female nurse, much more reliable.

As she spoke kindly to Heaven and made small talk with myself, I couldn't help but to notice the sympathetic look she had given one of her fellow co-workers as she dropped something into the room before leaving back out.

"What's the matter ?" I had asked without realizing how nosey I was being.

"Oh, well. That there was Clara Kate, Clara Kate Holloway. Nice enough girl indeed. But it bothers me so to see her here. I myself been working at this here clinic for almost five, six years and I enjoy it. It ain't much, but I honestly feel like it's my calling. I wake up everyday excited about another days work.-- But you see Clara Kate, her heart t'ain't here. No ma'm, it's at that old theater." She had responded with a slightly country accent, not seeming to mind my nosey behavior.

"That old theater, that's shut down now ? That one ?"

"Yes, that would be the one darling. You see Clara Kate loves that there theater. In fact, bet you didn't know she use to be the owner.Been on my way home a few times and passed by her, just staring at that old building. Don't really know what happened, why it t'ain't  up and running. Heard a couple of business deals went wrong, husband left with all her money, she was so depressed she couldn't handle it. But of course, I don't really know the real story. In fact, this towns full of people with untold stories. Stories waiting to be told, discovered. But we so caught up into ourselves we don't have much time or sympathy to sit and listen, just really listen, to somebody else's story. We all got problems baby, hell, I sure do. What about you ?" She looked up as she had been tapping on Heaven's knee, checking her reflexes.

"Sure I do."

"Thing is, I applaud her. I don' know. Maybe she failed in one aspect as far as being the owner of some artsy fartsy theater, but you got to have courage to even do somethin' like that. She had to have a lot of people telling her, "Clara Kate, that there's a bad idea. Clara Kate, think twice. Clara why not something more dependable, reliable, sturdy. Clara Kate you're gonna loose all of your money, you'll never do it, you'll fail." Hell I don't know, but what I know is. Despite of the things that may of held her back or the people discouraging her, all the extra shit", she looked apologetic immediately looking at Heaven. " Excuse me baby. But uhh, despite all of the things that weighed her down, she took a chance and she spread her wings and she flew. She did what she wanted to do, maybe needed to do, for herself. You see a lot of us have never flew, never even tried. But Clara Kate spread her wings."

For some reason what the nurse had said stuck with me. And as we were leaving the clinic, I passed Clara Kate, catching a glimpse of what seemed to be distant eyes. My mother had, had those same distant eyes. . .up until the night she went storming from my room. Maybe, just maybe by leaving she had spread her wings. But I'm not sure of how high or far she went, being that if anything I knew that her love for my grandmother would remain a constant factor. She knew she was wrong.

I smiled at Clara Kate, who returned a smile, and left the clinic realizng the meaning of truely flying.

***

Lightly shaking Heaven to awake her, I suddenly felt a wave of emotions go over me. I had left Isabella's cafe, and all of the detrimental aspects of the place. However, I was greatful for the place that gave me s start and an opportunity. Much like Isabella, my mother, I was thankful for her who gave me life and a chance, but I had to let her go. Let it all go, the negative vibe, the drinking, the access baggage that weighed me down for so long. It was all somewhat connected. And after years of bondage, I had finally forgiven Isabella for damaging me, yet I thanked her, both of them, for the opportunity to fly.

Isabella Marie

Despite all of the madness in my life, I have realized that although I break down, complain, and cry, I'm a strong woman. Despite those that judge me and despite of the. . .not so good choices I have made throughout my lifetime, I am a strong woman. And I know that, just as sure as night will fall, tomorrow the sun will rise once more. Being at my lowest has helped me to grow and is continuing to help me. Life's experiences has shaped me to be this magnificent being that I know I am. If you don't start at the bottom, you will never appreciate and value that climb as you rise to the very top.

My grandmother has been coming to me in my dreams a lot lately. Stroking Heaven's untamed curls as she rested her head on my chest, I told her of times when I was young girl leaving with my grandmother. However when she asked, why was it that I lived with my grandmother and not my mommy like everyone else, a flood of memories came back to me. The memories that were placed in the back of my brain had resurfaced once more, memories of Isabella Marie, my mother.

It was not that I hated her, in fact I loved her more then I knew she ever loved me. To this day I don't understand how she did not have that connection with me, her only child, the one she carried inside of her very womb for nine months. The connection, that is natural, that is unexplainable, and overwhelming . . . even before you look into the eyes of the innocent life that you have created and bore into this world. Heaven is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest blessing, for her I live and would die. . .and yet my mother never formed all of these wonderful emotions that takes over my soul.

"My mother was a free soul, Heaven. She would not allow anything or anyone. . . not even me to hold her back, she was never grounded. The last time I saw Isabella Marie, a gorgeous lady she was, was awful, a terrible memory that I had wished vanished right along with all the photos and letters she had written to my grandmother concerning her baby girl, her burden. "

Heaven, half asleep pulled the blankets over her shoulders as she tried her best to fight the melanin, struggling to hear the lost tale of her unknown grandmother. I wiped silent tears away from my eyes soon as I felt them forming. My face warmed and my heart beat harder as I prepared myself to speak of the mysterious, beautiful lady who I wanted more then anything to know and hug and be loved by for so many years.

" Isabella Marie was small, a very small woman with high cheek bones, and wide eyes that always seemed to twinkle. . .it was apparent even in those old photos when she was just as young as you Heaven. Her nails were always polished, bright and red, like the bright red lipstick that stained her tiny lips. The few times I remember being with her, she always wore dresses, flowing and beautiful, fitting her small little body just right. She had an angelic face and as far as appearance, I saw no flaw. She was perfect in every way possible. I wanted to look just like the pretty little lady. . . . . . . The last time I saw her, I was around your age, Heaven. It was late and we were waiting up for Isabella to arrive home. Grammy couldn't sleep not knowing where she was and what she was doing out in those streets. she had to see her come through those doors, you know. She drove the sweet lady insane. Constant screaming on her behalf when she lived with us. Always tension between the two women who were all I known. Grandmother talked of being in love once, said he was handsome man with money, lots of it. His parents  forbid he saw her after at a young age discovered she was pregnant. They snuck around for sometime before his folks found out and moved away from the small town altogether. . .and Isabella, from what I learned, she was never a one woman man. Grandmother said she had been in love with my daddy, but he abandoned her when she needed him most. Left her with a baby. And because of me he would have nothing to do with her . Grammy said she wanted to abort me, kill me off and be with him instead. But, Lily Anne was not having it. No child of her would be the murderer of an innocent soul not given a chance. 'A child is a blessing, a beautiful wonderful, blessing. You made your bed know you must lie in it. You will never experience nothing else like loving that baby.' That's what she told her, and that's what she told me when I was still carrying you."

I kissed Heaven's head forehead before carrying on. Breathing in, the emotions of feeling unloved, abandoned, and worthless all came back to me for a moment.

"But, I don't know. Instead of love, my mothers heart filled with hatred, and that had only grew over time. Her heart never recovered from the heart brake she had suffered when my father left. I remember the cold stares, the loveless touches, and the evil words that I did not deserve Heaven. I loved her so much, and I always tried to be admist her presence. But the God to honest truth was, my grandmother didn't trust her alone with me. . . she was afraid of what she'd do. And she should have been. . .That very last day, the very last day I ever seen my mother, we knew something was wrong. I sat between my grandmothers legs on the carpeted floor as she braided my hair . When Isabella opened the door, she entered peacefully, quietly. For once, she did not smell of smoke, neither did she stumble about because she was so damn intoxicated. I didn't know about the things out there in those streets. I just knew Isabella was a lot funnier , and really loud, and she talked to me. . .when she was drunk. I didn't care what she said, or how mean it was, she actually talked to me and that was all that mattered."

The image of the angel floating into my grandmothers small little living room was reappearing before my eyes as I spoke. Forgetting where I was, I didn't even realize I was talking anymore, because I was there. Reliving that day.

"Isabella Marie ? - - - Baby ?" My grandmother gently moved my little body to the side as she stood to examine her daughter. She loved her so much. She noticed the twinkle in her eye had dimmered, yet that distant stare was still there as she looked into my grandmothers tired face.

It wasn't until I was born she began all the terrible habits she had picked up. But my grandmother never blamed me. My mother would die because of me, but she refused to live for the very one who took her life. I took her life. My grandmother wouldn't let her leave me here to follow my daddy when he moved away, she wouldn't let her live her only child alone. She lost love, she lost her freedom, and she lost her sanity. I took her life.

Looking into my grandmothers troubled eyes, she tried to smile.

"I am so sorry mama. I am so, so, so sorry. I'm okay tonight though. You're little Izzy is okay tonight. And I love you." Before Isabella could finish my grandmother pulled her small body into her own and hugged her and loved her.  The perfect lady cried into her shoulders, holding her mother. The little woman disappeared and a scared, heartbroken, and confused little girl stood in her place.

She began again after a moment. "Can I put my baby to sleep mama ?" she asked as she softly pulled away from my grandmother, staring at me. Me, small and timid, sitting there on the floor, hoping that my grammy would say yes. hoping that my mama would tuck me safely under my covers and kiss me and tell me she loved me.

Hesitant, my grandmother looked over her shoulder at me and then at my mother before softly nodding her head. And all the while my mother walked over to me, guiding me to the bedroom in the back of the house, my grandmother watched with nervous eyes.

Climbing into bed, a small girl who looked much like Heaven, was happier then she had ever been to be there alone with her mother. The little woman sat beside her, carefully fluffing the pillow behind her and moving the pillows only set up for decoration out of the way.

"You made him leave. You took my life. And she wants me to love you. Love you like she loves you. I love her. . .and I love him." She began to sob, as she spoke just a little bit above a whisper. Loud enough for me to make out her words and pain, soft enough for my grandmother to wait curiously for her return. "I love her, and I love him. And he left me, and she loves you. I love them and you took them away. I love her. . . I hate you, I hate youuu !"


She grabbed a pillow and smashed it over my face. My screams muffled and my little arms flaying, trying to fight against my mothers force, my lack of strength causing me to fail. Eventually I gave in, realizing my attempts to go against this tiny but strong little woman was pointless. I would die at the hand of my mother it seemed, until suddenly the was pressure was relieved and although blurry my vision began to come back into view before me.

I could just barely make out grammy yanking Isabella Marie away from me, teary and wide eyed as she shouted,

"Isabella Marie, I can't take it anymore. Get out, get out, get out ! You will be the death of me ! My very own, my blood, my baby, my sweet baby girl. Oh, how I hate to do this but you will not play the role of God in this house, you won't. I carried you, I sacrificed, I raised you all alone. I love you Isabella Marie, but you got to go !"

I lie there shaking and crying as I watched my grandmother who always appeared to be this big, strong lady shrink before my eyes. She was small and innocent. Her natural beauty magnified by my strong connection to her at that very moment.

My mother grabbed a number of articles in her tiny arms, gathering them with shaky hands as teams streamed down her lifeless face. She said absolutely nothing, until she raced out of my bedroom door.

"Mama." and although she had just tried to take my life away fro me, all I had for her was sympathy and love at that moment as she too seemed to become smaller while gazing into my grandmother with saddened eyes. Her apology for hurting her, but not me, because she had not regretted it.

My grandmother crashed on the bed beside me rocking me and holding me for the rest of the night. We listened as the door slammed behind her child. That was the very last time I saw Isabella Marie. It was the last time either of us saw her.

Days after grammy received a letter on the front of her doorsteps beneath a stone, a letter from Isabella Marie explaining how she was going away in search of my dad and that she would not be returning. Every now and then throughout the years she'd send grammy a letter, apologizing and confirming she was yet still alive. Each letter my grandmother would keep inside of a drawer beside her bed, and each letter I placed inside of her coffin as she laid for an everlasting rest. Those letters were the most important things to her, besides me, myself after Isabella left. After awhile they stopped coming.

My mother had sent me a few letters also, but my grandmother would never give them to me. I found them boxed in the trash one day. Each one hateful and angry, and unforgiving of my life. I burned them to ashes. My grammy explained to me to never allow a man to drive me completely crazy like my dad did Isabella Marie. She said one day she would realize that she was wrong, but right now she was out of it. I love my grandmother, and I never stopped loving my mother .

As I realized Heaven had lost her fight against sleep, I slid from under her kissing her cheek, before heading to my bedside. I removed a photo of my grandmother when she was a lot younger from beneath a pillow, holding an innocent Isabella Marie in her arms, love bright in her eyes. At that moment it came to me.

I drank because it was my only connection to Isabella marie. It was only when she was intoxicated I had some kind of acknowledgment from my mother. It was then she was funny and slightly kinder to me. I wanted so badly to be like her. But if being like her meant being hateful and evil, I no longer longed for that kind of connection. I loved my Heaven. Innocent, beautiful, and angelic. Innocent like that young girl who wanted more then anything to be loved by her mother, angelic like my grandmother who rested amongst the heaven's, and beautiful like my mother. My obsession with Heaven was made clear as to why.

I wanted to love her like how I felt that love from my grammy. A love I had never gotten from my own mother. But I still loved her and hoped she was happy somewhere.

All Good Must Come to an End

My grandmother lives inside of me. Heaven would follow my lead. Every day I reminded myself of these two things that guided me as I tried to live right. Thus far, after many nights ago when a strange character, my angel, reminded me of these facts, I had been doing very well.

Finally, I had a day all to myself. All the bills were paid in full, Heaven was at a slumber party, and I felt a sense of peace and happiness in my spirit. A feeling that was rare, uplifting, and cleansing. I was in a state of peace. Hoping, that I could carry on in the same manner for the rest of my life. Hoping but knowing that good things don't last forever. 

I walked towards the basketball court, enjoying the feeling I had inside of me and the fresh air of March, sure to be an early Spring. I watched people pass me by, smiling and spreading my joy, but only heard the sound of Lauren Hill's, His Eye Is On The Sparrow. Thinking it would be a nice day to sit on the bench of the court and sprinkle bread crumbs for the city pigeons, like me and Nana use to do when I was a little girl, I soon realized I was wrong.

Noticing an old lady near by struggling to bend over and pick up some money she'd dropped, I quickly walked over startling her in attempts to help her gather her belongings. Breaking the soulful, yet angelic sound of Lauren Hill a loud scream broke my focus, shocking me all at once, I dropped the bag of crumbs I held in my free hands and looked around to figure out why the old lady had let out the horrid shout. Now attracting the attention of all those around, she pleaded for help, but I was confused as to why. I yanked the earplugs from my ear and through the money in the air, slowly backing away and turning to go the opposite direction . 

Everyone seemed to be glaring at me and then I heard the accusations. . . Mugger, Thief, an innocent old lady. . .Were they talking about me. I stared for a second, all the while backing away, watching them watch me. Finally, I broke out and sprinted away from this strange place towards my safe haven, home.

***

Ruining my state of peace, I finally broke away from the crowd that yelled and pointed at me. Very few tried to run behind me and "punishment" me I'm assuming. Apparently there has been a number of muggers throughout the city that has gotten everyone all on edge. I rested on my soft, gasping for air and trying t make sense of all that had happened. In an instant my day had gone from calm and peaceful to utter chaos.

Breaking the silence, I heard a loud thud on my door. . .Someone knocking , followed by a deep voice 

"Open up."

. . .I knew the peace would be short lived. It was all to good to be true. Gulping and imagining the worst, I stood in preparation to answer and be taken and locked away for a crime I had never even imagined of committing.

My Angel

I had finally convinced Ms.Forester to take on the position as Heaven's official babysitter once more. I had even convinced her to watch her a few extra hours on her off night, tonight, as I went out and enjoyed myself. One of my favorite girls from the srip club was having a get together for all of the ladies at Isabelle's at her place. It was bound to be a bundle of disastorous fun. The party entailed eggnog, male strippers, and of course the naughtiest girls that the town has ever come across, the strippers of Isabelle's Cafe. I couldn't wait.

As I looked over my outfit once last time before I headed out, a wave of emotions came over me. It was excitement; because it had been so long since I hung out for pleasure with adults, it was anxiousness; because there would be hot men there and for once I wasn't on "the job, center stage naked, it was fear;  because there would be alcohol present and I would be surrounded amongst heavy drinking. I just hoped for the best and strength as I prepared to set on my way.

***

All the girls dressed in their usual work clothes, holiday edition. I decided to go all out and dress as Santa's mistress. Sheer red stockings, sparkly red stiletto pumps, a thigh high red dress with white trimmings, and to top it off Santa's hat with the words: BIG DADDY sewn in big white letters across the top. Before entering, I coated my lips with a glob of lip gloss on top of my red lipstick, just for some extra shine. I had to admit, it wasn't often that I felt as good as I did this night. There was a sense of nervousness inside of me, because tonight I would be put to the ultimate test. Most of the girls were heavy drinkers and the the eggnog was bound to get the most tolerant of us filthy drunk.  I had been abstaining from my drunken tendencies for some while now. Tonight could either make me or break me. Upon entering, a strong smell immediately wafted from the crowded house, marijuana smoke and as  half naked women dressed as santa's naughty helpers scrambled by, I could smell the scent of alcohol on their breaths. However, a sense of confidence came about me and all at once I felt relieved, because I could do this. As long as I focused and avoided that eggnog. *** Time flew by. The party was live, everyone was wild, young, and free for this one night. As hours passed, a couple of the girls had convinced me to taste the eggnog. . .Before I knew it, a sip had turned into a cup, and one cup had turned into two, until eventually I gave al in and decided to let the spirit of the night take control of me. It was just one night and as an adult, Im capable of making these types of decisions. I could hold my liquor. At least that's what I had convinced myself. The next couple of events blurred together in an incohesive order: Ms.Forester called and warned that it was getting late and it was dangerous out there, also that her an Heaven had a nice night singing along with the orphanage kiddies (Heaven even shared her dollar I had given her earlier), in attempts to save the lack of food becoming apparent I called into the local radio station and requested Leon Van Dammit to play four large pepperoni pizza's to the Prada Subs,  I somehow bruised my rib cage, lost a shoe, and forgot what the hell my name was. Good times. *** Noticing the time and the amount of ladies passed out and scattered across the now messy house, I decided to head home in the wee hours of the morning. I straggled along Quincy, through some alleys, and ended up near Brownstone Boulevard. The streets were dark and my body was cold. My teeth chattered and my frozen fingers and toes had seemed to have gone numb. I decided to take a sit, the responsible adult thing to do, you know, to regain myself before continuing on my journey home. I began to close my eyes, resting my heavy head on the cold asphalt of the windy streets of Brownstone Boulevard. Suddenly , the sun began to rise. It was rising faster then it had every risen before, and as it rose it began to get closer and closer towards me, only lighting it's path but nothing to far out. I squinted my eyes and rose before the sun to bask in its magnificence. screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech ! Pop ! My body jolted up in the air as my small body came into contact with the small Toyota. Realizing that the sun was merely the headlights of this small car, I rested my head on the cool hood after coming down with a hard thud. In complete astonishment and embarrassment I did not dare move or allow the pain to be apparent. Images of the night merged together in my mind, then sweet innocent images and memories my grandmother, intertwined with thoughts of my Heaven. I smiled and allowed salty tears to stream down my face, ticking at the tip of my nose. Interrupting my moment, a scraggly voice, filled with fear and shock brought me back to my current situations. "Oh my. . .m'am are you alright ?---Please, please allow me to take you to the hospital. . . Oh my, it was an accident, swear on the heavens !" Pulling my body up, wiping the tears from my eyes, and pushing the hair away from my face caused the dark figure of a person to become silent. I smiled and placed my shakings hands over there lips and let out a small chuckle. Although I had a ponding headache, I just wanted to make it home to my baby. The car hadn't been going fast enough to cause any major problems. The bruises would heal, the headache would seize, and my achy, sores bones would be pacified. "Please. just take me home." Giving the stranger directions to my home the best way I could, the mysterious person helped me to the car and followed my instructions. Even helped me up to my floor and explained the situation to Mrs.Forester. To in shock from my night, I was unaware of her reaction. I just know I ended up in my bed, wrapped in sheets, lying next to Heaven. Closing my eyes, drifting into an unconscious state, I thanked God for life and the opportunity for a second chance. I saw my grandmother as I flew into the sky for seconds that felt like hours tonight. She loved me and still had faith in me. My angel had knocked life into me, after almost knocking it out. I slept in peace, not regret.