The day started with where the night should have ended. My head rested upon an unfamiliar pillow in a room that was unknown. Time after time I promised myself I would end this self destructive pattern, each time knowing that the promise would be short lived. No longer did I only crave for the sweet satisfaction of escaping reality, but I relied on it to keep me going.
I had gone without drinking for some time now, however I knew it wouldn't be long before I gave in to my unhealthy habit. The girls at the club told me I needed help, to seek assistance, they even suggested AA. But I figure, who the hell are they to be suggesting anything to me,when the majority of 'em are worse off. My kid still lives with me, I don't have to retreat to VIP to earn an extra tip, I don't have to cover the scratches and bruises with heavy pounds of make-up, over and over and over again, from where my baby's father has beaten me black and blue.
Refocusing my attention on my current situation, I sat up resting my elbows on the bed. Looking back over my shoulder, I ran my eyes over a man, seeming to be in his 20's and judging by the home that I assumed was his, he was quite well off. I always wondered why the well established men, wondered into such raunchy places, such as Isabelle's Cafe. I wouldn't dare be near such a place if I had a choice. But he was helping feed my child and support my low budget life style. The man was handsome indeed, but I had no business in his bed, my late grandmother taught me better. Nana would be so disappointed if she could see me now. Taking my clothes off to make a living, stealing to provide the nicer things in life,sleeping with men and not being able to place a name on the face, drinking my pathetic life away.
Contemplating never gets me anywhere, similar to dreaming. Reality sets back in and puts all hopeless aspirations back in their place. Focusing on dreams never got me anywhere, all I know is get money and take life one day at a time. No reason to dream, my life worthless, only purposeful for one, and only one reason. My life created for one purpose and that purpose being to produce life itself. I know everyone thinks they have a perfect child, but from the depths of my soul and every inch of my heart, if I know nothing else, Im beyond sure that I birthed an angel. That girl of mine, that beautiful little girl, she is my heaven on earth. Thus her name, Heaven.
People look at me in disgust. Their words linger in my thoughts, but I've learned to hide the pain that it causes. I hold my head high, because they, the entire world of they's, they desire to see me perspire. But I remain strong because Heaven only has me. My sweet Heaven
As my mind bounced off of one topic to another, now focusing on my beautiful Heaven brought me back to the realization that my daughter was still at Ms. Foresters, the older black woman who stayed across the hall from me at Castle Apartments. Damn it !
Glancing at the clock it read 5:20am, 40 minutes before Ms.Forester would have to leave for work at the post office. Throwing the sheets back and shuffling to find my missing clothing articles, I thought of Heaven's pretty face to calm my nerves. I had to get to my baby.
Yanking the seductive fitted dress up my slender body and sliding my busted pumps on my feet, I reached and grabbed for watches, money, and other things of value that I could spot in the room, dropping his belongings into my purse. I needed it more then he did. Hell, I didn't feel bad, it became routine after so many times.
Racing out of the front door, I automatically realized that I was in the suburbs. I always wanted to stay in the suburbs, but no need to dream. I could only pray my Heaven would make it somewhere nice someday, she didn't have a choice, it's her destiny to be great.
Running towards the bus stop, I shouted out as the bus prepared to pull off, an unfamiliar smell hit me at once. A strange smell . For some reason the smell reminded me of my grandmothers house. It didn't smell of good cooking, sweet perfumes, and the faint smell of moth balls, but it reminded me of my grandmothers home. A depression swept over me as I huffed and scuffled towards the bus.
Boarding, only an older chinese man sat on the bus with me.As the bus made its way back towards my side of town, I thought of my sweet grandmother. The sweet old woman raised me to be a young lady and look at me. I had grown into a grown whore. I didn't want this life, but after the only person you have in the world is dead and your alone in life with a baby at the young age of 17, shit happens.
Boarding, only an older chinese man sat on the bus with me.As the bus made its way back towards my side of town, I thought of my sweet grandmother. The sweet old woman raised me to be a young lady and look at me. I had grown into a grown whore. I didn't want this life, but after the only person you have in the world is dead and your alone in life with a baby at the young age of 17, shit happens.
Now at the age of 24, I raced to my closet sized apartment, hopping off of public transportation, never completing high school, never amounting to anything. Look at me, Dear God I pray Heaven is better.
Banging on Ms.Forester's door, one knock and she slammed the door open and I immediately noticed the rage in her eyes. I knew I had done this all too many times.
“Ms.Forester....” I attempted to plead, but I knew it was too late. She raised her hands in the air, warning me to save the bullshit.
“ I can't do it anymore , I have to be to work. Who gon' take care of me when I don't have anywhere to go. You get it together, you hear me, she didn't ask to be here Mahogany.” she cut me off, the look in her eyes let me know she meant every word she spoke.
Great... No one else was gonna watch a busy 7 year old all night while I went out and took my clothes off for old men. Another problem added to my list. But I guess things could always be worse.
