Soul Searching

The world outside reflected my most inner emotions and thoughts. . . Cold, dark, gloomy, and depressed. The city had been in complete turmoil and chaos for some while now. A hurricane near by caused gloomy weather for several days now and my baby was home sick.

I hated seeing her in distress. However, in a way I was happy I had an excuse to keep her home with me. As she slept soundly on the small blue sofa that was positioned in the center of the living room, I sat on the floor beneath her, gazing at the beautiful little lady. Watching as her tiny chest raised up and down, the occasional twitch of her mouth, and the way she would clench her eyes even tighter periodically. What a blessing she was to my life.

I didn't mind breathing in her sickly germs. I gently kissed her small lips and pressed my fingertips across her warm cheeks before raising off of the floor to make us something to eat. Once again, soup and ginger ale was on the menu for tonight. I could remember my grandmother so vividly at times like this. As a young girl she'd make me alphabet soup when I was sick and sing me gospel songs that would lift my spirits. I always though that I was on my death bed (what a pessimist) when I was sick, but her songs would give me hope. She was as sweet as pie and I loved her.

As the soup boiled on the stove it sent out an aroma of an assortment of vegetables, vegetables that Heaven hated, but she'd eat because I told her that they'd make her a healthy girl once more. I exited the small, tidy kitchen and headed towards my bedroom where in which lay a queen sized bed that laid up against the back wall, two dressers on either side, a tall, mirror that stood on the floor next to the closet in the right corner. It was simple. I hung my nicer clothes in the closest along with my heels and boots. My sandals and tennis shoes were underneath the bed, work clothes in my left dresser put away from Heaven's sight, and my under garments in the right dresser.

I usually slept near the door just in case Heaven called or there was a strange noise and I had to get to the source quickly. I kept a small hand gun locked inside of a safe inside of my closet, for safety purposes only. Although I slept near the door, whenever I prayed or wanted to think I sat on the right side of my bed, that way God could hear me better, being by the window and all. My thoughs and prayers would drift right on out and to the heavens above. . .

On the top of the dresser to my right was a lamp and a Holy Bible. Pulling myself onto my bed, I flipped on the light switch to the lamp and grabbed my Bible for comfort. I was hoping to make some major life changes and wanted to consult with God first. Also, I always asked for forgiveness when I had the opportunity.

Picking up the Bible, a wrinkled pamphlet fell out. Earlier that day when I was going to stock up on some groceries, there was a small group of Jehovah witnesses passing by, doing there Jehovah witness thing. I couldn't help but to notice there elevator shoes, it momentarily placed a smile upon my face and I couldn't help but thinking, what the hell. One of the ladies, with her old woman skirt that almost reached her ankles handed me a pamphlet with one hand while placing the other on my shoulder. Looking deep into my eyes, her eyes filled with sympathy, I felt exposed. It was as if though she saw right into my soul and knew that I was going down a rode of self destruction. She said, "He will not leave you, or forsake you. Please read this." She looked into me for a few seconds longer before walking off to rejoin the others who had left her behind.

Opening the pamphlet, I flipped past basic information that discussed their mission.  At the very end in bold words read, Word of Encouragement,  1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.


That was just what I needed. Tears flooded down my cheeks, because I had been having thoughts of returning to my old habits. I hadn't had a drink in a month now, and although I knew it was a good thing and my Heaven was proud of me, I missed having the ability to forget all of my life's worries and being care free. But that was not my life anymore. I still danced at Isabelle's, but until another job opening became available what could I do. It was fast money...Dirty money. Money that kept my daughter with food on her plate, a roof over her head, and clothes on her back. 

There was no denying it, sometimes I spent my dirty money on things that weren't neccessary. Heaven and I were frequent shoppers and in a way, we lived pretty fancy for the predicament we were in. All of our needs were met and Heaven didn't have to "want" for anything, my only desire was for her to be happy...and possibly one day attain that same happiness.  It's hard to achieve happiness for yourself, when you don't know what it is that makes you happy. I guess I had some soul searching to do.

"Mommy ?" a muffled and weak voice followed by an episode of coughs interrupted my train of thought. Heaven stood in her all pink, princess pajamas at the foot of my bed. "Are those people outside camping ?"

Referring to the OCCUPY protestors who had been keeping up fuss for several days now. For eleven people, they sure were loud. I hope they got their point across soon. Maybe they're waiting for their missing protestor to return, figuring one was missing because there were twelve tents set up in total.

"Yes baby. Want something to eat ?" wiping the tears from my eyes, I pulled myself together and headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

Chaos In The City

After sending Heaven off to school, I re-wrapped my scarf to fit my neck more snug as I began to head towards the local clinic. Today was a bit chillier then usual, therefore I used it as an excuse to get extra dressed up. My grandmother would always make me mittens, scarves, and hats when I was younger. The other kids would pick on me and I despised wearing the homemade clothing. But now I would do just about anything to have one of her homemade scarves. Instead, Forever 21 provided most of my winter wear.

As I shuffled along, making my way to the clinic, the unusual crowd at the coffee shop near Poplar caught my attention. Although most mornings in the city tended to be a bit chaotic, due to the local school, people heading to work, and a few stragglers returning home from sinful nights, there was more fuss then usual.

It seemed as if though the coffee shop had not yet opened...Strange, because it was a 24 hour cafe. Things were weird. I had noticed the homeless man had not even yet taken his position near the clinic. I wondered if he made good use of the money I had given him...I'd like to pretend so, but I highly doubted it. I don't live to dream,  I live reality .

I slowed my pace, embarrassed to enter the clinic with an audience. I had to go, I had to. As I began a new phase in my life, I wanted to start fresh. I mean-- yeah, I was still at Isabelle's. But sometimes you have to do what you got to do in order to survive. Don't judge me for how I make my money, is what I tell 'em . It's legal and it helps me provide for my Heaven .

I must admit, I had drank a bit at the club the night before, but I was slowing down. And even better, I was sober enough to know that I did not do anything that I would regret the next morning. On the way to the clinic now due to some of the unwise decisions I had made when extremely under the influence. I didn't want to continue going to sleep, wondering or crying. I'm a mother, some changes in my life are essential for her success and my progression. Being a mother isn't just a title, it's a lifestyle.

A black Bentley zipped past me, causing a cool breeze to whip at my face. They were blasting the local radio station, as early as it was. WTF was playing The Spice Girls.... hadn't heard them in a while. Before entering the clinic, I stopped to stare at the African American woman yelling at the bus driver on poplar who blocked the streets, causing the nice Bentley to slow down. CHAOS .

The lady rolled her eyes and twisted her neck, while stepping closer to the bus driver and pointing her bony little fingers in his face. She was quite sassy indeed. It made me laugh a bit inside, she reminded me  of my best friend from high school, Babs. Oh, Babs was quite the character. Brilliant in deed, absolutely brilliant. But Babs had a slick mouth, sharp tongue, and a demanding attitude. One would be crazy to go against the almighty Babs. But what I loved most about Babs, she was passionate about the things and ones she loved, she demanded her respect. Babs had my back.... I wondered where she was now. My only friend now was a seven year old...I love her to pieces, but it gets lonely sometimes .

In attempts to dart into the clinic unseen, I bumped into a rather handsom fellow. Really mellow, really laid back....really familiar looking. Justin West. I had seen him around the apartments, around town, everywhere. He was somewhat of a local celebrity.

I couldn't help but to blush when he nodded at me as if though that excused him. A faint smile flashed across his face, an optimist would say it was a shy smile. You know, the smile that forces itself across your face when that person who you had been admiring from a distance for some while now finally, unexpectedly was staring right back at you. But a realist would say he was simply being polite. Indeed, he was polite.

I wondered what he was doing in the clinic. My first time coming into contact with a celebrity, or as close of a celebrity that I would ever meet, and I'm headed to get whore tested...Well, wasn't like I had a chance in hell anyways.

For the Fate of Heaven

My weekly daughter dates always gave me the motivation I needed to carry on with my life. My little princess enjoyed them as well . Nothing or no one else in the world had the power over me in which my daughter, Heaven did. Watching her twist and turn as she chewed her waffle in delight pleased me. The feeling, unexplainable. Despite my past, despite my current situation, despite the sinful life in which I live Heaven loved me. Not only did she love her pitiful mother, but I made her happy. A walking disappointment indeed I was, but to the innocent little girl that sat across from me at our favorite spot, Casa de Waffles, I was her everything .

I giggled as Heaven's big brown eyes grew wide when letting out a manly burp. She cupped her hands around her little lips and batted her fan like eye lashes bashfully. I wondered was I as pretty as she when I was younger. I didn't have many pictures taken from my early childhood.

"My goodness, that was a big one !" I held my stomache as I giggled at Heaven's reaction to her own bodily functions .

"Mommy, stop laughing ." Her muffled words escaped through her folded arms that were crossed upon the table, her head down in emmbarrasment. 

"Oh, come on Princess !"

She didn't lift her head. Heaven could be quite the drama queen at times . Lifting her head for only a split second,  she stuck her tongue out at me and quickly hid once more. 

"Hey, check this out !" In attempts to ease her embarrassment, I let out a sequence of lengthy burps . Anything to make her happy.

At once she threw her hands into the air letting out a choppy wave of giggles . Her laughter was goofy and contagious. Together our laughter spread throughout the tiny restaurant, attracting attention . Whether it had been negative or positive attention, we didn't care, we were enjoying each others company. Slightly obsessed with my daughter, I never wanted the moment to end.

"Mommy you said girls don't burp." Heaven said as she calmed down and pulled her glass of orange juice towards her.

"You are a princess. And a princess can do just about whatever she wants, but don't go crazy with power... You must use your power for good and know your limits. Sometimes even a Princesses slips up and when you do, you just-- cover your mouth, bat those pretty little eyes, and say excuse me. Now sometimes that may not always work, but for the most part it's a good start. Got it baby ?"

 From the very day Heaven was born I reminded her not only was she my heaven on earth, but that she was royalty. Growing up with a very spiritual grandmother, funny as that may seem,  I beleived in an almighty God and he was our father. My father was a King and he was the only father I ever knew of growing up. I made sure she knew her place in His kingdom and that she always would hold herself to the highest of standards...even if I did not.

"Yes mommy, I got it, I got it....Hey mommy what's that man doing ?" she asked as she peered out the windows at the old homeless man that usually rested near the clinic place. He seemed to be heading from around the back of the building, his copper cup in hand.  Mumbling something as he stumbled around.

"Baby, he's doing the best he can is what he's doing. Just tryna make it. This world is cold I tell ya." It bothered me to see people in such a state. The sight of the homeless man gave way to a bright idea. I could do my share of charity and teach a Heaven all at once. " Hey Princess, I got an idea."

"What momma ?" she asked scurrying over by my side.

I scrambled through my large purse searching for the gold rolex I had stolen from some pathetic customer a week ago and a twenty I had found lying on the ground earlier. After fumbling awhile, finding my treasures, I grabbed Heaven's small hands and  placed the valuables into her hand. She held her hands out wide, looking down into her palms.

"Here, time to use your powers for good.  Go give this to him, 'kay princess ?" Using my hand I closed her small and stubby fingers tight around the money and rolex. Before pushing her forward, I brushed back her tight black curls with my finger tips. Kissing her on her cheek, I sent her on her mission.
Peering out the window, for safety purposes, I saw Heaven drop the twenty and the rolex into the tin cup in which the man held tightly in his hands. A faint smile beamed across his face but quickly positioned back to the regular strange and distnant look. He gave Heaven a gentle pat on the head and I could tell that her vibrant entitiy shed a ray of sunshine upon his gloomy life.

See, he was no stranger . I'd pass him by from time to time, while he sat at the community clinic listening to a song my grandmother would play for me as a young girl..."Over The Rainbow". Each time I passed him and heard the tune, my heart felt heavy. I missed my grandmother dearly. The song made me think of her and if she was somewhere over the rainbow in that land . It made me think of my Heaven, because waking to her smiling face sent my soul over the rainbow. It made me think of that beautiful place where in which all my troubles would melt like lemon drops. I always wondered was he emerged in a deep thought of that land. Maybe, just maybe it gave him hope, or maybe it made him pity his life here beneath the rolling blue skies...

I had even seen him several times as I made my way to work over at Isabelle's, he'd be leaving the old liquor store. Once he spooked me quite a bit and left me in utter confusion at the same time. He said to me in a dark and disturbing voice:

"True, it is not your fate to fall at my hands."

A familiar phrase, but from where and why to me did he speak those strange arangement of words, I do not know. I hadn't once imagined that my fate had any connection to this strange homeless guy's. ---In fact, I never imagined that I had a fate at all. Dear God, is my life already planned out for me ? Was I destined to fail my grandmother ? Would I forever strive to be this elite Queen Heaven thought me to be ?

Despite what the world thinks of me, some stripper whore, I am human . I have feelings, I get tired, hungry, lonely---very lonely, just like the next man. I work hard for my money but the world is against me without anyone to turn to. I wish it not to be my fate to fall at anyones hands--- not even my own. At the rate my life was headed when not in the presence of Heaven, I was destined for failure. The cause of my very own ultimate demise.

My thoughts carried me away again, but the sight of Heaven in her red dress and lady bug rainboots she had chosen herself brought me back to consciousness . Her smile emersed me into a place of happiness and sanity, and at once meaning came to me. True, my fate would not fall at the dependence of my alcohol addiction or the quick and dirty money at that club. I don't know if it is possible, but surely if my fate is what my life has become I would change it for the better. Heaven's fate depended on it.

I left a tip on the table for the waitress and grabbed Heaven's hand, leading her out of Casa de Waffles. leading her back to the 7th floor , 3rd door on the right of Castle Apartments, and leading her into a much better future for the both of us. I didn't know exactly how I would even begin this transition or if it was possible. But if Heaven's fate depended on it, I'd die before I 'd allow her fate fall and be doomed at my hands .

Mahogany Rose PT. 1

The day started with where the night should have ended. My head rested upon an unfamiliar pillow in a room that was unknown. Time after time I promised myself I would end this self destructive pattern, each time knowing that the promise would be short lived. No longer did I only crave for the sweet satisfaction of escaping reality, but I relied on it to keep me going.

I had gone without drinking for some time now, however I knew it wouldn't be long before I gave in to my unhealthy habit. The girls at the club told me I needed help, to seek assistance, they even suggested AA. But I figure, who the hell are they to be suggesting anything to me,when the majority of 'em are worse off. My kid still lives with me, I don't have to retreat to VIP to earn an extra tip, I don't have to cover the scratches and bruises with heavy pounds of make-up, over and over and over again, from where my baby's father has beaten me black and blue.

Refocusing my attention on my current situation, I sat up resting my elbows on the bed. Looking back over my shoulder, I ran my eyes over a man, seeming to be in his 20's and judging by the home that I assumed was his, he was quite well off. I always wondered why the well established men, wondered into such raunchy places, such as Isabelle's Cafe. I wouldn't dare be near such a place if I had a choice. But he was helping feed my child and support my low budget life style. The man was handsome indeed, but I had no business in his bed, my late grandmother taught me better. Nana would be so disappointed if she could see me now. Taking my clothes off to make a living, stealing to provide the nicer things in life,sleeping with men and not being able to place a name on the face, drinking my pathetic life away.

Contemplating never gets me anywhere, similar to dreaming. Reality sets back in and puts all hopeless aspirations back in their place. Focusing on dreams never got me anywhere, all I know is get money and take life one day at a time. No reason to dream, my life worthless, only purposeful for one, and only one reason. My life created for one purpose and that purpose being to produce life itself. I know everyone thinks they have a perfect child, but from the depths of my soul and every inch of my heart, if I know nothing else, Im beyond sure that I birthed an angel. That girl of mine, that beautiful little girl, she is my heaven on earth. Thus her name, Heaven.

People look at me in disgust. Their words linger in my thoughts, but I've learned to hide the pain that it causes. I hold my head high, because they, the entire world of they's, they desire to see me perspire. But I remain strong because Heaven only has me. My sweet Heaven

As my mind bounced off of one topic to another, now focusing on my beautiful Heaven brought me back to the realization that my daughter was still at Ms. Foresters, the older black woman who stayed across the hall from me at Castle Apartments. Damn it !

Glancing at the clock it read 5:20am, 40 minutes before Ms.Forester would have to leave for work at the post office. Throwing the sheets back and shuffling to find my missing clothing articles, I thought of Heaven's pretty face to calm my nerves. I had to get to my baby.

Yanking the seductive fitted dress up my slender body and sliding my busted pumps on my feet, I reached and grabbed for watches, money, and other things of value that I could spot in the room, dropping his belongings into my purse. I needed it more then he did. Hell, I didn't feel bad, it became routine after so many times.

Racing out of the front door, I automatically realized that I was in the suburbs. I always wanted to stay in the suburbs, but no need to dream. I could only pray my Heaven would make it somewhere nice someday, she didn't have a choice, it's her destiny to be great.

Running towards the bus stop, I shouted out as the bus prepared to pull off, an unfamiliar smell hit me at once. A strange smell . For some reason the smell reminded me of my grandmothers house. It didn't smell of good cooking, sweet perfumes, and the faint smell of moth balls, but it reminded me of my grandmothers home. A depression swept over me as I huffed and scuffled towards the bus.

Boarding, only an older chinese man sat on the bus with me.As the bus made its way back towards my side of town, I thought of my sweet grandmother. The sweet old woman raised me to be a young lady and look at me. I had grown into a grown whore. I didn't want this life, but after the only person you have in the world is dead and your alone in life with a baby at the young age of 17, shit happens.

Now at the age of 24, I raced to my closet sized apartment, hopping off of public transportation, never completing high school, never amounting to anything. Look at me, Dear God I pray Heaven is better.

Banging on Ms.Forester's door, one knock and she slammed the door open and I immediately noticed the rage in her eyes. I knew I had done this all too many times.

“Ms.Forester....” I attempted to plead, but I knew it was too late. She raised her hands in the air, warning me to save the bullshit.

“ I can't do it anymore , I have to be to work. Who gon' take care of me when I don't have anywhere to go. You get it together, you hear me, she didn't ask to be here Mahogany.” she cut me off, the look in her eyes let me know she meant every word she spoke.

Great... No one else was gonna watch a busy 7 year old all night while I went out and took my clothes off for old men. Another problem added to my list. But I guess things could always be worse.